ten piedad

I watch from the backseat as my mom reaches for my dad's hand at the wheel

and hugs it into her cheek

mustard greens from the garden each evening to pair with black + green beans

sometimes sweet potato fries, always nutritional yeast + hot sauce

her bed

heavy layers of goose feathers and quilts in her icy a/c'ed chambers

there was even a specific "pizza blanket" to put down when we'd order in and project a movie on the wall across.

every night, we tucked under comforters and talked ourselves into belly seizing laughter, til four or five in the morning. each and every night.

our glee typically expired after a week together; our tempers + sensitivities would flare as we found ourselves practically sleepless

openers

quiet tunes

washing each dish, organizing each self, I savored the window peering into the prep station where his hands chopped through the day's vegetables with the knives he'd carry in himself

I lived above her. I would wake + text her, asking if she'd like saturday tea only to hear footsteps announce her answer as she trudged up the steps

two months to learn twelve years of math. my teenage bed becoming study hall for me and my sweetheart made tutor; introducing algebra, trig, and the god forbidden slope.

he walked me through practice tests for hours. truly encouraging me to traipse through each step, each equation. patiently in love. scoring amongst standardized greats, I didn't take have to take an algebra class for the rest of my college career

baking through the night, her in all green and me in all blue

I sit in the door frame of the kitchen, leading to the sun drenched porch steps. the dogs gobble up grass and I am passed a plate carrying a towering breakfast sandwich while incense swirls and newly picked riffs leak out into the yard

in the desert on thursday, we had friday night pizza from chef sylvia

in the mountains the next thursday, we had friday night pizza with friend charlie

wizards and witches of the kitchens served pizza with the essence of passed grandparents,

Sylvia J. & Charlie

"I've thought about you for a long time"

he swiped my favorite spoon out of the cafeteria, and now it stares back at me from my mother’s cutlery drawer.

it’s her favorite too

we picked up pad thai.

plopped back at home base, I collected cutlery as nana put on her nightgown. in the guest room, we watched fresh prince and ate straight from the styrofoam

the day of exams I had before breaking up with my first long term boyfriend that evening. each scantron electing more assurance in my decision

tired, traveled, battered, my cousin delivers a new form of delight :

frozen thin mints with a cold glass of blended cashew + almond milk

june, the borrowed cat, sat on my belly. they chop kale for our pizza palooza we've been coordinating all day. he flips the record and brings me a hot toddy.

december perfection

my first trip, I wasn't going to allow the prudish 75 year old straggler keep me from the freedom I sought. sprinting to and from the ocean's cover, there was no going back.

my second, I am strolling across the black banks. lying on top of the rocky ridge like a ship wrecked siren for all to see.

✦

✦

the third, a future roommate from home unexpectedly accompanies me, remaining clothed beside me as I sit in my commitment to serve everything I've got to the sun.

the fourth and final, with the coastal scene involving two men, both having expressed crushes on me. I had previously stated my disinterest, and now stood kind and bare before them.

my summer intro to nude beaches

he twirled me by my toe.

my living room serving as our personal dance hall + shrine

the garden kitchen in pleasant valley where I served my first dishes. we were introduced to the holiest of almond butters, eating the final jarful ourselves.

as the chefs for that week's silent retreat, we followed the guidelines and cooked in the quiet.

moving bags of grain from pantry shelves, I discovered twelve more treasured jars of what once was lost.

I shout to her in silence and we fall to the floor in disbelief + muffled excitement

standing in line together to get coffee in the cafe where we first met

a devastatingly hot summer had us filling up a garbage bag with water from the hose.

the four of us: myself + two born-brothers + one honorary addition, waddled it to and up on top of the trampoline.

the moment my latest sibling extension launched through the air, coming down atop the largest black water balloon surely ever made, the world went entirely silent as the plastic stretched completely clear.

we roared in breathless laughter

hitting 80mph on my ’89 as if I were born captain of two wheels

my favorite flat breads with my favorite folks and my favorite baker. pinto beans + sweet potato + kale + a garlicy finish coaxed our dreams onto the table and into the woods

they arrived to class with two ceramic teacups filled with coffee and cream

one for each of us

a cup

for each night

we spent together

my highschool sweetie had kissed another. entirely embarrassed, unsure and undone, I only confided in my younger brother.

the boyfriend in question came around that weekend. the older brother, exchanging standard enthusiasms, informed the boyfriend of the current house pull up record. the boyfriend approaches the bar and set a new number.

my younger brother silently leaps from the couch, to the bar, and cranked out a new record before storming outside

I sipped from a coconut and awaited the ferry to take me from the coast of denpasar to the island of nusa lembongan.

alone + bewitched.

this mug

over cast iron, I sautéed chickpeas as he giddily explained the synchronicities of his morning

sleeping on the trampoline + everyone I have ever slept on the trampoline with.

slowly sinking into its center, our bodies and blankets becoming a sea of star dipped dew drenched warmth

sometimes he'd have to work through lunch, so I would bring poolside peanut butter + jelly sandwiches for me and my lifeguard

middle school soiree after parties in the basement. savoring candies and serving information on our crushes. my heart was full, unknowing that she was + would be my lifelong crush

I lied on the couch, in clean clothes, with washed hair and a hound curled in the corner while he poached me an egg

I took my first ever drag on top a grey wool blanket along the black sand slopes of the shore while a thunderstorm rolled off the swell

mesmerized, I watched him hold onto her slick and shimmering waist. I wanted my own turn catching what she was throwing back

in the cab of an f150, we shared tofu collard wraps and dipped them in peanut sauce

"I could do this for the

rest of my life"

we walked barefoot through the neighborhood with hollow mason jars in tow. plopping beneath cherry tomato vines, we plucked and caught up. only when our jars were full and heart’s contents emptied, we left to go make dinner's sauce

the magics of mint tea amidst moto machinery and mechanic mangling

with the studio only a few steps away from my stoop, I would walk over and meet my week's quota.

a silent workspace always hugged me in and I didn't mind spending my midnights at the wheel, throwing pots.

he would be tucked into my bed by the neighboring window sill. knowing his broad shoulders waited to warm me upon my sleepy return made me love my artistic duties all the more

singing the song written by a future lover with my current lover in a peruvian pond

he finishes the margaritas my mom cannot

fresh fades, hemp rolls, + hand holding across the couches while stories were spoken over us. his glistening eyes glazed me with adoration

when we dance together, my fear of looking foolish completely dissolves,

because in that moment, I know I am enough to be paired up with her

scraping bits of onion and kale from our plates, we were all in attendance for the first sibling dinner of our ripe adulthoods

I sit watching the mountain rain of august. remembering + feeling that this has the power to be one of the most profoundly peaceful summers of my life

rising in my cousin's atlantian half-high-rise with black cherry yogurt and a microwaveable breakfast sandwich all to myself

way too late on a friday night, he agreed to tow the remains of my belongings. I couldn't stop smiling as the back of his loaded truck guided me home

strapped in silks with tiny ribbons, we carved watermelon in our black lingerie on her living room floor

the empress & high priestess on full peaceful display, drunk on power and perfectly hydrated

the sweat of his cheek in soft collision with the sweat of my temple as we swayed

I rose from slumber, hearing her voice call my name through the jungle

“have you seen leia?”

unsure if it were a dream or lived truth, I peered my head out to find her running down the path toward me

xbox live bridged me with boys of the tri-state

hooded + mic'd up

the early morning hours and a shared digital mission brewed the perfect opportunity to express our sweetest thoughts and our most daring questions

dear comrades sat under the glow of string lights. my mom went around patting on each of them, soaking in the incredible people that had gathered around the table. how incredible it is for my friends to get patted so lovingly, I thought. how incredible to have a mom that pats on my pals, I thought.

how incredible

I spent the evening of my 20th birthday lying in a sober shallow stream. the meditative bliss that droned over + through me was that of a celebratory psychedelic squish. I let it bathe me for hours

our first kiss bubbled from the first song we ever wrote together

performed + pecked by the fire

he brought me peppermint tea with the sun’s rise. she later poured steamed milk into the same mug, mouthing randy travis: a silent “I’m gonna love you forever”

every sip steeped in sweetness

I allowed myself a summer of sitting in the golden light of my apartment, toking + tinkering with new tunes + treating myself to my favorite snacks

sleeping in the forest temple. we would rise with the slivers of sun or tapping of the rain. our unclothed selves strolling into the naked woods for our morning relief

actually startled by hotness : caught off guard when I caught a glimpse of him at the grill, with gold around his neck and a new motorcycle outside

swimming through a southern july, our aunt served lunch :

an assortment of frozen pizzas she baked, cut, and arranged on a platter before presenting it poolside.

I had never felt luckier

“what was your first kiss like?"

“I knew you were over there thinking about kissing"

she let me pick out a golden apple — I had never seen a yellow one before. we marveled at it in the cab of her truck, before delivering food to her secret army of cats. I might have been the only person to ever witness her sanctuary before its descend into ruin

sleeping over at my grandparent's for a summer's week

my first pedicure twinkling back at me as we ate soft serve by the pool

with sheets of snow showering down, I don't know how we got the idea to pack into sleeping bags and make camp under the trampoline

the family rabbit had been released into the yard for her daily run. us, a huddled fit of giggles. her, a blur, flying through the flurries

my mom roller skating

my dad playing soccer

we had an early lunch and returned home to play dominoes. for the next nine hours, me, my great aunt, my great grandmother, and a wooden bowl filled with frozen funsized hershey bars, howled and hurled tiles through the night